Divorce = Uncomfortable Change

You are getting a divorce. There are no “top 10” lists or spiritually enlightened comments that I can offer to assuage the tsunami of emotion and mental gymnastics that are now flooding your body and brain. For some it is the shattering of how one defined an entire existence, for others it is fear of failing, or of being alone, or being financially challenged. For many it is dominated by rage and betrayal, and in some cases it brings a feeling of profound relief and liberation. No matter what the situation, it is for everyone, uncomfortable change.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but, and here comes the spiritually enlightened comment, life happens. No matter how hard we try, we can’t seem to stop it from happening. Whether it is cancer, or a life-changing accident, or a business failure, or even a natural disaster, significant life transitions, like divorce, happen. It happens to you, to me, to family, to neighbors, to colleagues, to your boss, to your child’s school teacher, to your bus driver, to so many people. It happens. The problem is, you definitely never thought it would happen to you. So, now what?

As a major life transition comprised of emotional layers, a complex business transaction and an entirely new family dynamic, the weight of it all collapses us. From day one of just thinking about it to many months or even years later when it is completed, it is a painful process of change to absolutely everything that was. Some people are wired to embrace change and thrive on it. Others are thrown into a complete tailspin because stability supports and protects them. The key to divorce, and likely a factor that contributes to the chaos and systemic failures, is that it is different for everyone, both within a couple and between couples. The mindset, the facts, the emotional impact, the family situation-everyone has a different experience and a different reaction and response. But for everyone it represents change.

Professionals can be unintentionally insensitive to the intensity we feel around change. They will casually toss around the fact that you’ll sell the house, or a parenting schedule where you don’t get to take the kids to after-school activities, or the fact that you have to go back to work full-time. Whatever the scenario, it is profound and sometimes psychologically debilitating change that is being forced upon you due to circumstances beyond your control. For many this is the essence of divorce. The response to the upheaval and uncertainty and endless and tremendously uncomfortable change.

So, how to “embrace” change? Even the smallest step forward each day is a step towards re-establishing new (and be open, maybe even more fulfilling) routines. Divorce represents the closing of some very important doors and often a lot of grief over the endings.  But change can also represent new beginnings and hope. The changes brought on by divorce are undoubtedly uncomfortable but as a hopeful optimist, I believe in the transformation of uncomfortable change to unimaginable happiness for the long-term.

And even though you may feel overwhelmed by the changes you are facing, the reality is you’ve got this. Even the smallest step forward each day is a step towards re-establishing new (and sometimes more fulfilling) routines. Divorce represents the closing of some very important doors in our lives. But it also represents new hope. And a chance to open new doors and create new relationships and re-define the important parts of our lives. The changes brought on by divorce are undoubtedly uncomfortable but they can also lead to a brand new (and happy) life.

 

Are you thinking about divorce? dtour.life can help you gain clarity as you start the process. With divorce education, financial and parenting tools, our platform helps you prepare for this journey. Calculate net worth statements, living and child expenses, budgets, and settlement scenarios to help you move forward with both eyes open. You are not alone!

 

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